9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
