Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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