at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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