he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We have started to decorate penises.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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