Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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