I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
