I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
