I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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