My liver just broke up with me...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
