Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
