i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
