I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
