I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
