my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
