found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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