I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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