Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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