Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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