i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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