I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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