hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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