On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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