At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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