hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
