so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
