Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
