oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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