my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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