Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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