I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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