I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
