if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Randomize