11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
