so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
