My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
