1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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