Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
