I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
