dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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