Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
