dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize