u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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