i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
