so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
