It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
