Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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