dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
