You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
