You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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