I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
