Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
