I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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