Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
