There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize