just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
