Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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