I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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