Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
